ustm j fcyme* 




LIBRARY OF CONGRESS, 

- ®m*W 1* — 

Shelf.lS-3- 



UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



Vapid Vaporings. 



JUSTIN THYME. 




* 



A little folly is a dangerous thing. 

Drink deep or taste not the Pierian spring. 

Pope — to a certain extent. 




NOTRE DAME, IND. : 
SCHOLASTIC PUBLISHING HOUSE, 

1885. 



5^°" 

^ ^ 



4- vtau hv 



.COPYRIGHT, 1885. 



\j 



R. R. DONNELLEY & SONS. PRINTERS. CHICAGO. 



DEDICATION. 



TO THE 

STUDENTS OF NOTRE DAME UNIVERSITY, INDMNA, 

PAST, PRESENT AND TO COME, 

THIS LITTLE VOLUME, 

MAINLY WRITTEN FOR THED3 USE AND BENEFIT, 

IS RESPECTFULLY INSCRIBED 

BY 

ONE OF THEM, 

WHO CLUTCHETH WILDLY AT THE FORLORN HOPE 

THAT SUFFICIENT WILL BE REALIZED 

FROM THE SALE THEREOF 

TO PAY THE FUNERAL EXPENSES, 

ON A 

VERY MODERATE AND UNASSUMING SCALE. 

OF 



The Author. 




CONTENTS. 



Preface, 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 

An Undesired Prefix, - - - - 15 

French, .... 17 

Poetical License, .... iS 

The Dude, ------- 22 

To the Owl, ------ 25 

An Affectionate Warning, - - - - 26 

To One who Favors the Phonetic, - - 2S 

The Victim, - - - - - - 3 1 

A Vision of the Court of Charlemagne, - 32 

The Song of the Spittoon, - - - - 34 

Cumming Threw the Rye, - - - - 40 

The Poetry of Modern Improvements, - - 42 

Ask Me not Why, ----- 46 



CHANSONS PHYSIOLOGIQUES. 

Mrs. Blogden's Demand, - - - - 51 

The Strawberry Festival, 54 

The Lady Anatomist, - - - - - 57 

Adipose Tissue, 60 

The Gastric Juice, - - - - - 61 

The Nervous System, - - - - 63 

Music, ------- 65 



CONTENTS. 



RHYMES IN SEASON. 

The January Thaw, ----- 71 

The Groundhog to his Shadow, - - - 73 

The Snows of March, ... 74 

Now Beginneth the Hot Spell, - - 76 

Ode to the Dog-Star, - - - - 77 



FURTIVE SNATCHES AT HASH. 

The Meeting of the Waiters, - - - - 81 

Thoughts on Having Sausage for Breakfast, - S2 

Pea-Nuts, .---.--83 



KNOCKS AROUND THE ROCKIES. 

Recollections of Saguache, - - - 87 

The Ballad of the Ferocious Ute and the Crafty 

Cook, ...----go 
The Lay of the Cactus, - - - - 92 

An Overdone Subject, - - - - - 94 



VINDICTIVE AND MANIACAL. 

To a Neighboring Editor, ... gg 

Sordid, .--.... 102 

On Receiving Further Obloquy, ... 104 

Ulterior Views, ------ 107 

Wandering of a Mind, - - - 110 



CONTENTS. 



OTHER THEMES. 

Cecilian Days, _ , - - - - - -115 

Shadows Cast by the Morning Star, - - 11S 

Vain Regrets, - - - - - - 119 

A Study of Feminine Character, ... 121 

The Fire in the Printing House, - - - 123 

Boys Skating, ------ 126 

Written After Dark, ----- 127 



THE COMMENTATOR. 

The Commentator, - - - - - 131 



IL CIRIEGIO. 
Il Ciriegio : An Italian Operetta, ... - 135 



PREFACE. 



Aware of the unpopularity of what is known as "spring poetry," 
the author has endeavored, in the following attempts at versifi- 
cation, to reduce his coefficient of elasticity to a minimum. For 
the same reason, and to avoid giving offence to any large class 
of his fellow -citizens, he has omitted his campaign ballads, 
flattering as were the encomiums kindly bestowed upon them at 
the time of their production. But such occasions as prompted 
the composition of " Though the Last Glimpse of Tilden with 
Sorrow I See," " Farewell, Farewell to Thee, Abraham's Daugh- 
ter," "The Shirt that once through Terror's Hall " and the like, 
are by their very nature transitory ; and the continuance of the 
present renewed "Era of Good Feeling" will soon obliterate 
them from memory. It is hoped that nothing published in this 
unpretending volume may tend to excite aught but sentiments 
of the most genial character, and it will then conform to the 
views of the public's most obedient very humble servant, 

Justin Thyme. 
Notre Dame, May i, 1885. 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 



AN UNDESIRED PREFIX. 

The decoration of the acrobat, 

The negro-minstrel's boast, the shoe-black's handle, 
Claimed by each clown that learns to "skin the cat," 
Each expert playing games not worth the candle ! 
Was it for this I burned the midnight oil ? 

Called aorists my friends, and oft would dally 
With sines and tangents until what was toil 

Seemed pleasure ? though Dame Nature, outraged, 
rally 
Her rebel forces, led astray by mental application, — 
Strike me with shattered nerves, 
As such neglect deserves, 
And drive me out to take vacation. 

The title once, indeed, seemed hard to gain, 

And hence the strain ; 
But unto him who titles would refuse, 
'Tis harder far to lose : 
In vain I flee to parts unknown, — 

Debauch my tongue with current slang, — 
Scarce seven days have o'er me flown 
Ere some well-meaning friend 
Some letter or some postal-card will send — 



l6 VAPID VAPORINGS. 

May such go hang ! — 
From the address they cannot doff 
That odious prefix "Prof." 

Great Henry Wadsworth, borne on spirit wings 
From thy long fellowship with earthly things ! 
In that bright sphere which now thou call'st thine 

own — 
Than which Excelsior shall ne'er be known — 
In that bright sphere, say, do they ape the lesser 
And outrage spirit ears by calling thee " Professor ? 
I pause for a reply ; 
If " aye," 
Then I 
Shall hesitate to die ! 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. I 7 



FRENCH. 

On being asked to translate La Fontaine's fable of the " Rat that Retired 
from the World." 

Go, read our author in his native tongue ! 
Melodious French La Fontaine's muse hath sung. 
Melodious French, whose tones no gutturals mar ; 
With consonants dropped, avoiding every jar 
It bids the vulgar throat its aspirates cease, 
And let the gentle organs speak in peace. 
By rosy lips and pearly teeth compressed 

The dainty syllables on tip-tongue hang; 
Save when the nose descends to help the rest, 

And give the m or n sonorous twang. 
Melodious French still more melodious made 

By sweet La Fontaine, delicate but strong ; 
In one short word, more pow'r is oft displayed, 

Than we could find in many a treatise long. 
How, then, in homely Anglo Saxon speech 
Should I pretend his subtle depths to reach ? 



l8 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



POETICAL LICENSE. 

A RHAPSODY. 

[written in accordance with instructions given in 
bullions' grammars.] 

" Such are a few of the licenses allowed to poets, but denied to prose writ- 
ers ; and among other purposes which they obviously serve, they enhance the 
pleasure of reading poetic composition, by increasing the boundary of sepa- 
ration set up, especially in our language, between it and common prose." 
— English Grammar, p. 283. 

The more the better, then, it would appear. We shall, however, append 
notes, not only explaining the nature of the license used in each case, but also 
endeavoring to elucidate the peculiar beauties of the poem. — J. T. 

I. 

I had traversed the desert of Sarah, 1 
And the end of my journey was near ; 

It was night in the suburbs of Cairo, 
My heart had stagnated with fear, 
For the moon shone disgustingly 2 clear, 

And the ghost of the daughter of Pharaoh 
Had thought it correct to appear. 

N. B. — The numerals refer to the Articles in Bullions' Grammar. 

1. Syncope and Synseresis for Saharah (1042). If a difficulty is found in 
making this word rhyme with " Cairo, ' pronounce each so that it will rhyme 
with " Pharaoh." They will then be found to rhyme with each other. 

2. " Disgustingly" — an unusual term to apply to clear moonlight, but war- 
ranted by the consideration that if it had not been so bright, the ghost might 
not have been visible. Observe also how the paralyzing effect of fear is ex- 
pressed by the irregularity of the lines in the stanza, two of the same kind 
following in unbroken succession. 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 19 

Yes ! that distinguished lady of antiquity had 
thought it not only proper, but under the circumstan- 
ces, eminently advisable, to appear. 1 

II. 

You know unsuitable fear is 

For persons to learning inclined ; 

But in spite of my terrors, a series 
Suggested itself to my mind, 

Of facts that I needed, and, "Here is 2 
The chance that I wanted to find. 

III. 

" Fair princess, although you are scary, 3 
I'll venture the discourse to lead ; 

You have come from your quarters so airy, 4 
Which, I'm sure, is a favor indeed ; 

So now, I beseech you, preparey 6 
To answer my questions with speed. 

1. And particularly by this long meterless line at the end. Observe, 
moreover, that it is assumed as certain that a princess of the rank, dignity and 
virtue of Pharaoh's daughter would certainly not appear without motives alike 
creditable to her head and heart. This confidence in the lady's judgment 
shows true gentlemanly feeling. 

2. Ellipsis (1044) — supply " I said to myself." 

3. This adjective is usually applied to the creature terrified, not to the 
object of terror. But see 1048, 3. 

4. The Egyptian catacombs, from which the princess may be supposed to 
have come, are by no means airy. Quite the contrary, in fact. Still they 
might be termed so by way of flattery. 

5. Paragoge (1042, 5.) 



VAPID VAPORINGS. 



IV. 

'By whom were the pyramids grand made? 

Were they really erected by Chops ? ' 
And who was Sesostris's handmaid ? 

And was she not partial to hops? 2 
And where are the tracks in the sand made 

By manna, whenever it drops ? 

V. 

" Did you really indite on papyrus 
Your letters, and pYaps billets-doux ? 

Do you think the opinion of Cyrus 3 
On the Nile's inundations is true? 

Would the ancient Egyptians admire us 
If all our improvements they knew ? 

VI. 

"Was it Hermes invented the feedle 4 

From a tortoise that died of the itches ? 5 



i. For Cheops by Syncope (1042, 3). 

2. Either by Metonymy for "dances."' or by" Synecdoche for "beer'' 
(1046, 7,9). I have not made up my mind which I mean. The intelligent 
reader will supply meaning where required. 

3. As Cyrus is not known to have expressed any opinion on the subject, 
the object of the query is perhaps to test the authenticity of the ghost. 

4. The most ancient form of the lyre resembled the guitar or violin. 
" Fiddle " is made " feedle" by Diastole, for which, and for Systole (note 1 .;, 
infra), we refer you to Bullions' Latin Grammar (S67, 5, 6). 

5. The itch is facetiously known as the " Scotch fiddle " in many places. 
The plural form is used to express abunda ice. 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 



And did not Cleopatra's ' needle 

Take some most tremendous long stitches 

When, the Roman triumvir to wheedle, 
She mended Mark Anthony's breeches? 

VII. 

" And how is old Pharaoh, your father ? 

And is he addicted to drinks? * 
Can he shave — when he shaves — without lather ? 

And What do you think of the Sphynx ? 
I believe you're a mummy, the rather 

That ghosts can express what they thinks." « 

VIII. 

" I'm neither a ghost nor a mummy, 
But one of the boarders at Bill's. 

Don't stare like a dunce or a dummy 
Or one that is crazy with chills 

You are not in Africa, gummy ; 4 
But our own little Cairo of Ills. 5 

1. "Cleopatra's" must here be pronounced with the accent on the 
antepenult, the penult being made short by Systole. See note n, supra. 

1. This question is familiar, not to say rude. It is evident that all fear 
of the ghost has departed. The sleeper is about to awaken. 

3. " The Rules of Grammar are often violated by the poets." 1048. 4. 

4. This may be either an epithet of obloquy applied to the person 
addressed, or an adjective qualifying Africa, from which continent many valua- 
ble gums are imported. Or it may have been suggested by the expression " by 
gum," so often attributed to American citizens of African descent. 

5. The popular and legalized abbreviation of the name of the State of 
Illinois. We claim a patent on having discovered its adaptability to rhyme. 
It is also intended to hint at the frequent inundations which are the prominent 
" ills" of Cairo. • 



VAPID VAPORINGS. 



THE DUDE. ' 

A LEGENDARY BALLAD. 

[In the fantastic mythology of Persia, the " dudes " are a race of mischievous 
sprites employed by Eblis to lure the peris from paradise. They are punished 
by being compelled to gulp down molasses and brimstone from the Great 
Horn Spoon.] 

I. 

The dude hath donned his silken socks, 
And devilled his flaxen hair 
Till it stands erect, 
With marked effect 
To catch the popular stare ; 
For well he knoweth those radiant locks 
Impart an aesthetic air. 

II. 

He now to his gay gondola comes, 
And twiddles his light guitar, 
Prepared to float 
On the castle moat 
By the light of the evening star, 
While snatches of opera tunes he hums 
Or puffs at a choice cigar. 

i Written soon after the first discovery of the dude, and before natur- 
alists became as well acquainted with its habits as at present. 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 23 

III. 

" Oh, come and sail in my gilded boat — 
" Come sail on the moat with me ; 
"By yon pale moon, 
" By the Great Horn Spoon, 
" I swear to be true to thee " 
The maiden lists to his amorous note, 
And into the boat steps she. 

IV. 

But, alas ! the tide was running high, 
And the gondolier was drunk ; 
And the gilded bark 
With maid and spark 
Deep under the water sunk, 
And had it not been for a fisherman nigh, 
They had slept in an oozy bunk. 

V. 

Dishevelled and wet they fished her out ; 
Dishevelled and wet was he ; 
And the gondolier 
Went home to his beer, 
And got on another spree ; 
But the dude remarked : " You're damp, no 
doubt." 
To which she replied : " I be." 



24 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



VI. 

Now, ladies all, beware of the dude, 

When glimmers the young May moon, 
Nor go with him, 
Unless you can swim, 
To sail on the broad lagoon ; 
And, dudes, remember that many have rued 
To swear by the Great Horn Spoon. 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 25 



TO THE OWL. 

Hail, solemn fowl,. well plumed and stern of eye ! 

With Pallas in mythology connected, 
Why were you for a destiny so high 
Selected ? 

Was it for vocal melody ? Ah, no ! 

(You should not try to sing, indeed you ortn't !) ' 
Was it for beauty ? Nay ; 'twas that you're so 
Important ! 

For all that human nature seeks to own, — 

All that is best in what men see before 'em, — 
May be summed up in this one word alone : 
" Decorum ! " 

Would we were all like you, most sapient bird, 
Not silly things, as Moraus and his crew are 
Would we were all as pompous and absurd 
As you are ! 



1 The kind indulgence of the reader is respectfully requested on the occa- 
sion of the unwonted intrusion of the letter "r " into this word. There 
was no alternative, except to drop the "r" in '"important," a step 
whose dudicity should cause us all to hesitate. 



26 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



AN AFFECTIONATE WARNING. 

" Soyons poetiques, mes enfants, meme au milieu deSennuis impitoyables 
de cette vie monotone.' — Mine, de la Rochefoucauld. 

Air : — " Call Me Pel Names, Dearest!" 

Keep off the grass, darling, keep off the grass ! 
Stray not from orthodox paths as you pass ; 

Let the bright verdure untrampled remain, 

Clothing the dry arenaceous plain. 
Manifold checks its exuberance grieve, 
Sunburn and frostbite it needs must receive ; 

Add not your mite 1 to its woe, then, alas ! 

Keep off the grass, darling, keep off the grass ! 

Blacksmiths have aprons to keep off the sparks, 
Swimmers torpedoes 2 to keep off the sharks ; 
Parasols keep off the hot solar beams, 
Stouter umbrellas the pluvial streams ; 
People who dwell 'mid malarial ills 



i Your mite of a foot, darling ! Your sweet itty tootsiewootsie. 

2. Not as yet, possibly. But this poem is written for posterity, and 
who knows but in the rapid march of modern improvements some invention of 
this description may not mitigate the terrors of the vasty deep. P. S. — On 
second thoughts, perhaps it may be as well to acknowledge, frankly, that the 
rhyme was the chief, if not the only raison d'etre of this charming little line. 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 27 

Always have something 1 to keep off the chills, 
Why not belong to a numerous 2 class ? 
Keep off the grass, darling, keep off the grass I 3 

1. Quinine, of course. What else would they have ? 

2. The words "and influential " are omitted by poetical license for the 
sake of the metre. 

3. After this touching appeal, if any heartless wretch should be found on 
the grass, he must indeed be fit for treasons, stratagems and spoils. 



28 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



TO ONE WHO FAVORS THE PHONETIC. 

You sing with delight the amendment in store. 

For ills that orthography vex ; 
Saying : " Why should q cumber the alphabet 
more, 

Or Algebra boast of an x ? " 
Of the o-u-g-h, that embarrassing form, 

Your system would banish the trace ; 
And to you will the heart of the foreigner warm, 

If your vaunted improvement take place. 

But think of the sweet recollections entwined 

With letters in infancy learned — 
Blest age when a marvel acceptance could find 

And souls for the wonderful yearned. 
When fair Cinderella and truculent Jack, 

Of Giants the bane, were believed 
The k that begins knuckle, knowledge and knack 

Was with perfect composure received. 

And later in life our attachments increase 

As thought in its symbol we view ; 
By phthisic distressed, with a comfort one sees 

Distresses in spelling it too. 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 29 

The pursing of lips when in debt or in doubt 

Our mental perplexity shows, 
And the b, though u fluttered, is felt, when about 

Our care to a friend to disclose. 

Mark the undertone faint of the ;/ in our hymn, 

Suggestive, though deaf to the ear, 
Of echoes angelic that fill to the brim 

With joy the celestial sphere — 
But you would this heavenly chorus suppress — 

Oh ! where are your feelings of shame ? — 
And make it a pronoun, objective — no less — 

Which Tom, Dick or Harry might claim. 

The eminent physicist shrinks in dismay, 

As a fizzisist doomed to appear, 
Whose least reprehensible hint will convey 

An aroma of pop or root-beer. 
And soon will the apophthegm cease to impress. 

Bereft of its literal plumes ; 
For wisdom itself in a commonplace dress 

A commonplace value assumes. 

Think, too, what a rigid result you will find 
Pronouncing, to spelling when pinned ; 

For the zephyr that blows is in poetry wind, 
Though in prose we reduce it to wind. 



3° 



VAPID VAPORINGS. 



And many a word unremembered, no doubt, 

The same incongruity shows, 
Where we, like the French, make a syllable out 

Of the e that is silent in prose. 

'Tis mute, but without it, the infinite brought 

To an end most abrupt we deplore, 
As we smother a sigh with the h at the thought 

Of hours to be ours evermore. 
Ye fields over which ideality ranged, 

Green pastures of fancy, farewell ! 
Where notions for words were so aptly exchanged- 

Rash man ! you have broken the spell. 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 



THE VICTIM. 

He stood alone ! 
Alone he stood upon the deep sea shore, 
Around him waves reverberating roar 

With never ending moan ; 
And wild winds bluster as they did of yore, 

In ages that have flown ! 

And yet no bone — 
No bone of fierce contention ever tore 
Him from the threshold of his father's door 

Or made him helpless groan. 
And yet his brow a shadow brooded o'er — 

Why standeth he alone ? 

Was it some crone? — 
Some aged crone he met upon the moor, 
That prophesied of ill, and clouds in store, 

And turned him into stone ? 
Or was 't a raven flecked with human gore 

That shrieked a warning tone ? 

Nay, it was shown 
He hither fled escaping from a bore, 
An album fiend demanding verse galore, 

Who called him " drone," 
And cavilled at his privilege to soar — 

His literary throne. 



VAPID VAPORINGS. 



A VISION OF THE COURT OF CHARLE- 
MAGNE. 

One morn a Peri at the gate 
Of Eden failed to punctuate. — Mure. 

I. 

In his court King Charles was standing on his head a 

golden crown 
And his royal brow was wrinkled in a most portentous 

frown 

II. 

Fifty courtiers entered walking on their hands were 
jewels bright 

Set in rings of gold and silver what a rare and splen- 
did sight 

III. 

Four and twenty noble ladies proud and fair and ten 

feet long 
Were the trains that flowed behind them borne by 

pages stout and strong 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 33 



IV. 

In a bow 'r of fragrant roses the musicians now com- 
pete 
Blowing trumpets with their noses they inhale the 
fragrance sweet 

V. 

See the Queen how sad and tearful as the King cuts 

off her head 
One bright tress of hair at parting and she wishes 

she were dead 



34 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



THE SONG OF THE SPITTOON. 

Morphin. — Je revais des plaisirs celestes. J'dtais en haut de l'Olympe, 
avecjupiter et les autres. Je brillais d'une splendeur divine. Je buvais du 
nectar. J'^tais heureux ! Oh ciel ! Mais tout s'en est passe\ Ce n'dtait que 
mon songe. 

Argan. — Ah ! oui ! vraiment ! C'^tait mensonge. 

■ — Le Reveur Malgre Lici. 

[In the following lyric, the Italian musical terras are used to give an idea 
of the style of performance which has been found most effective in each 
stanza. The aria is that which came into vogue in the summer of 1875, with 
the then popular song, " Perhaps She's on the Railway."] 

I. — Andante Grazioso. 

Once, as old Homer tells us, the Olympic Gods came 
down 

To sojourn with the Ethiops, then blameless 1 in re- 
nown ; 

And the latter in their gratitude, or else to have a 
joke, 

Taught their celestial visitants tobacco for to smoke. 

Chorus (Spirititoso) after each stanza : 

Perhaps it was by accident, perhaps 't was by design, 
But whether which or t' other it is no concern of 

mine ; 
For no matter how it started, we appreciate the boon 
Conferred by great Minerva, in inventing [sforzando] 

the spittoon. 

1 Iliad, Book I, verses 423-424. 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 35 

II. — Coil fit OCO. 

The gods were all delighted ; no nectar pleased like 

this, 
And e'en the gentle goddesses were fain to share the 

bliss ; 
From the dewy hours of morning to the glimpses of 

the moon, 
Old Olympus had a redolence like that of a saloon. 

Ml.— Moderate. 

Juno, of course, in public, to smoke would not be 

seen, 
But she slipped into the kitchen and she smoked 

behind a screen ; 
And Ceres, though for Proserpine she could not weep 

enough, 
Yet found a consolation in the intervening puff. 

IV. — Scherzando. 

Diana tried to stint herself to three cigars a day ; 

But Venus found it easier to cast restraint away, 

And people for a season were exempt from amorous 
sweats, 

For she kept the infant Cupid twisting up her cigar- 
ettes. 

V. — Un poco piu piano. 

Vesta, you know, had always smoked 1 from golden 
days of yore, 

1 Vesta is the personification of the domestic hearth. 



36 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



And she wondered how the others had not found it 
out before ; 

The Furies smoked like fury, and the Fates did not 
forfend, 

While the Muses and the Graces in the general move- 
ment blend. 

VL — Adagio. 

But the azure-eyed Minerva with severely virtuous 

scorn, 
Viewed the shocking bad example set to millions yet 

unborn ; 
She sniffed the smoky atmosphere with much offended 

nose, 
And when they spit upon the floor how high her 

choler 1 rose ! 

VII. — Sostenuto. 

Now the floor of heaven is brass below and overlaid 

with gold, 
Inwrought with many a jewel, as by poets we are 

told 2 ; 

1 When the collar rises high it is ruff. 

2 '0 oupavuq yaXxouq iryri ra\ k'quj. T-epjSdvTC 3k xai 
im too vwrou yzvop-lvu) (fiijq Ti XafinpoTspov (paiverat, xai 
rjXioq y.a>h).t>d)7spoq xa\ aarpa diauyiffrspa^ xai ypuGotiv to 
3a7:ed<tv. 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 37 



No wonder that Minerva, then, should murmur and 

repine, 
To see it soiled with spittle, though the spittle were 

divine. 

Instead of the chorus at the end of this verse, a grand staccato 
movement from the orchestra expresses the feelings of Minerva. 

VIII.— Largo. 

To remonstrate would be useless, as she could n't 

help but feel, 
So she sought to find a remedy the gross abuse to 

heal ; 
And after mighty pondering she solved the problem 

soon, 
From her (calando) depths of inward consciousness 

evolving the spittoon. 

{Solemn and metaphysical symphony on the bass drum.) 

IX. — Allegro Vivace. 

The invention was successful, and they recognized 

its use, 
'Twas calculated to instruct as well as to amuse ; 
They all agreed Minerva for her skill had won the 

belt, 
And that a want had been supplied that long time 

had been felt. 



38 VAPID VAPORINGS. 

X. — Maestoso. 
Now Jove was feeling jovial, as he often does, they 

say, 
He beckoned unto Mercury and bid him speed away — 
Speed away and fetch Apollo, from Olympus long 

exiled — 
"Go bring him back now, Mercury, — no longer are 

we riled." 

XI.— Dolce. 

The winged-footed Mercury not sorry felt to go, 

He sought Admetus' pasture, where Apollo was, you 
know : 

" Now, Poll, old boy, good news for you — the gov'nor 
wants you back, 

So leave your flocks and wing with me again the up- 
ward track." 

{Solo on the lyre, expressive of Apollo 's delight.) 

X 1 1 . — Prestissimo. 

Apollo gladly tuned his lyre, and sang, " I'm going 

home," 
And then with Mercury set out to reach Olympus' 

dome ; 
And while they sped their heavenward way, he learned 

the fashion new, 
To smoke the fragrant meerschaum, just as you or I 

would do. 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 39 

XIII.— Cantabile. 

That afternoon, Apollo, his adventures bid to tell, 
Was smoking with the rest of them, and spitting, too, 

as well ; 
But though he'd learned from Mercury to smoke — 

alas ! too soon ! 
He had not learned from Mercury the use of the 

SPITTOON. 

XIV. — Tempo di Marcia. Con Brio. Giuocosissimo. 

Minerva poked it over, but he did n't seem to see 
Just what it was intended for. " Minerva, dear," said 

he, 
" That's a handsome new invention, but it grieves me 

much to state 
If you don't remove it farther, I shall {sforzando) spit 

in 't, sure as Fate. 

(Curiam.) 



40 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



GUMMING THREW THE RYE. 



Cumming was a temp'rance man 

When other folks were by, 
But p'rhaps you'd better not inquire 

Where Cumming threw "the Rye." 

Chorus — Everybody loves his toddie, 
Some are mighty sly ; 
But every temp'rance fellow knows 
Where Cumming threw " the Rye. 

II. 

Temp'rance folks will praise up water 

From the rostrum high ; 
Then they '11 go and throw their gin 

Where Cumming threw "the Rye." 

III. 

If a laddie meet a bottle, 

Need he say, " Oh ! fie ! " ? 
If he need, then I should like to 

Know the reason why. 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 41 



IV. 

Laddies, when you take your whisky, 

Take it so-cial-ly ; 
Don 't go off alone like Gumming, 

Drinking on the sly. 



42 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



THE POETRY OF MODERN IMPROVE- 
MENTS. 

[The Patent Office may not be supposed to furnish much poetical pabu- 
lum ; but we cannot forget that there was a time when bells were a modern 
improvement ; and if these be a subject for poetry, why not the steam-heat- 
ing apparatus ? It is but proper to remark, however, that these lines are a 
reminiscence of the earlier form of the said apparatus, before some ingenious 
person found that he could diminish the racket by giving a gentle slope to the 
pipes ; and the last stanza refers to a winter long ago, when Brother Euphras- 
sus had charge of the steam-house.] 

I. 

Hear the clicking of the steam — 
Genial steam ! 
What a world of comfort does its radiation seem ! 
In the frosty air of morning, 
Ere the customary warning 

To arise ; 
As you doze — doze — doze — 
Protracting your repose, 
With a tendency to open in your eyes. 
How it tingles ; 
How it mingles 
In your fragmentary dream — 
Does the clicking of the steam — 
Does the seething and the breathing of the steam. 
Dreaming of a coming fortune, 
While a whiff of something scorchin' 
Greets your nose ! 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 43 



Tis a mighty conflagration in a South Bend clothing 

store, 
And the heated blast is making you perspire at every 
pore, 
And you wish some one would fan you 
As you issue with a bran-new 
Suit of clothes — 
You awake and find the same old duds still hanging as 
of yore 

At the corner of your bed, 
And you scratch your puzzled head, 
In half-awake perplexity accounting for your dream — 
For the strange concatenation of ideas in your dream — 

'Twas the steam ! 
'Twas the steam, steam, steam, steam, steam, steam, 
steam ! 
'Twas the seething and the breathing of the steam. 

II. 

Hear the racket of the steam — 
Noisy steam ! 
What a world of trouble does its turbulency seem ! 
With its rattle — rattle — rattle — 
Like a big stampede of cattle, 
Or a cannonade in battle, 
It distracts the old Professor from his everlasting 
theme : 



44 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



" Prehistoric prototypes," 
As his glowing face he wipes, 
With a much offended air — 
With a sanguinary glare — 
With a mad gesticulation and a grin of grim despair 
At the pipes, 
As they thump and they jump, 
With the pump — pump — pump — 
With the pumping and the humping of the steam. 
To the student what a blessin' — 
He that, knowing not his lesson, 
Still may keep his lips performing, and intelligently 
gleam : 

'Tis all that is required — 
His proficiency's admired, 
And he owes a reputation to the steam — 
To the steam, steam, steam, steam, steam, steam, steam, 
To the thumping and the pumping of the steam. 

III. 

Mark the silence of the steam ! 
Absent steam ! 
What a world of misery its consequences seem ! 
How you shiver — shiver — shiver — 
While a congelating river- 
Seems to trickle — trickle — trickle 
With a paralyzing quiver 
With a sort of runic tickle, 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 45 

Down your spine ! 
How that shuddering, icy stream, 
In the absence of the steam, 
Pervades your nervous system till sensation you resign, 
If you send a requisition 
To the steam-house — a petition, 
You are told to look and seethe solar luminary shine — 
See the sun shine unbeclouded in the sky. 
Though the sky it may clear, oh ! 
The thermometer's at zero, 
And no one but a Nero 
Your petition would deny. 
But the people — they who spurn us — 
They who regulate the furnace 
And exercise untrammelled jurisdiction o'er the coals — 
And exercise discretionary sway upon the coals — 
They refuse to hear our cry :. 
" They are neither man nor woman — 
They are neither brute nor human — 
They are ghouls." 
Thus we quote the words of Poe, 
And our indignation show,— 
Yes ; we vent our indignation in a scream — 
In the utterance of a loud, unearthly, weird, satanic 
scream, 
At the failing of the steam — 
Of the steam, steam, steam, steam, steam, steam, steam, 
The railing at the failing of the steam. 



46 VAPID VAPORIXGS. 



ASK ME NOT WHY. 

I. 

Ask me not why the moonbeams lie so pale 

(Though mere reflections of a golden glare) 

In silvery shimmering athwart the vale 
Beyond compare. 

II. 

Ask me not wherefore roses breathe perfume — 
That rich perfume to other flowers denied, 

Why they are chosen from the mass of bloom 
To be its pride. 

III. 
Ask me not why the diamond shines so bright, 

Although it be but charcoal in disguise, 
Chemists may solve this mystery aright — 

I'm not so wise. 

IV. 

Ask me not why the human youth stops short 
At six feet high, nor grows to seven or more 

Nor why obesity occasions sport, 
Though it's a bore. 



EXEMPLIFICATIONS OF STYLE. 47 



V. 

Ask me not why Dame Nature's various laws 
Conflict among themselves, or run a-muck ! 

Ask me not several other things, because 
I should be stuck. 

VI. 

But if you must be so importunate, 

And bitter questions mingle with my cup, 

For sole response I humbly beg to state, 
I give it up. 



CHANSONS PHYSIOLOGIQUES. 



CHANSONS PHYSIOLOGIQUES. 5 I 



MRS. BLOGDEN'S DEMAND. 



[This is as literal a translation as could be made, consistently with the 
preservation of metre and rhyme, of the first of those exquisite Chansons 
Physiologiqucs of the Abbe Tirebouchon, which have contributed so much 
to the education of the masses, by spreading among them scientific truths 
arrayed in the attractive garb of poesy. In the original it is entitled 
" La Demande de Mine. Blagnedent.~\ 



I. 

" How I wish," Mrs. Blogden remarked, " I could 
fly ! " 

While pensively sipping her tea, 
As she gazed on a flock of wild geese going by, 
Whose pinions extended were cleaving the sky, 

" How happy those creatures must be." 



II. 

"If wings from my shoulder-blades only would 
sprout, 

How gay through the clouds I would whirl, 
Like those dear little Cupids that used to come out 
On the letters St. Valentine's Day brought about, 

Which I often received when a arirl ! " 



52 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



III. 

The learned Professor, with elegant ease, 

To her fond aspirations replies : 
"To mar so poetic a dream will displease ; 
Yet the ' dear little Cupids ' that poetry sees 

Are monsters in science's eyes. 

IV. 

" Of the fowl that has furnished our modest repast 

Some osseous fragments remain, 
And on those of the wing, if your eye you will cast, 
Your own observation will aid you as fast 

As the words that I use to explain : 

V. 

" The humerus, ulna and radius here 

In beautiful order you find : 
And now in your skeleton arm will appear 
The very same bones, as is perfectly clear, 

In the very same order combined. 

VI. 

" So you plainly perceive that an arm is a wing, 

Though somewhat deficient in feather ; 
And no vertebrate animal, though he were king 
(I hope to your mind the conclusion I bring,) 
Can have wing and arm both together. 



CHANSONS PHYSIOLOGTQUES. 53 

VII. 

" 'Tis true supplementary limbs may be found 

In butterflies, spiders, and such ; 
But you wouldn't, I think, if your reason is sound, 
Wish to give up your backbone and flounder around 

With articulata — not much ! " 

VIII. 

But here Mrs. Blogden got mad, and declared 

That such language was awful indeed. 
And that he could repeat it again if he dared : 
Here she lifted a broom. The Professor prepared 
To flee from the table, and never more cared 
Conversation in that way to lead. 



54 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



THE STRAWBERRY FESTIVAL. 

(This is La Fete aux Praises, of the Abb^ Tirebouchon. Its peculiar 
charm lies in the fact that it not only describes the function of alimentation 
with an elegant simplicity, but it serves also as a warning to the superfluously 
enthusiastic student not to display his newly-acquired erudition at an unsea- 
sonable time. Observe that the paronomasia in the seventh stanza is one of 
those rare examples of this kind of wit which happen to be translatable.) 

I. 

A physiological student one day 

Of strawberries went to partake, 
And finding himself in a company gay, 
He took the occasion a little display 

Of his favorite science to make. 

II. 

"How few do we find," he began, "that will pause 

When luxuries luscious surround, 
To reflect on the great alimentative laws 
Which determine the course of what passes the jaws ; 

But let us, at least, be profound ! 

III. 
" These berries, conveyed to the mouth, are designed 

By the teeth triturated to be, 
And then they will pass, with saliva combined, 
Through the pharynx and down the oesophagus, mind ! 

To the stomach, as all will agree. __-• 



CHANSONS PHYSIOLOGIQUES. 55 

IV. 

" Now, let us examine what passes, below, 
When the juices called gastric secreted 

Therein — (Here the ladies all got up to go ; 

But he didn't observe it, because he was so 
Absorbed, till his task was completed.; 

V. 

" These juices convert it to chyme, and it goes 

Through an aperture called the pylorus, 
Excepting the peptone, which soaks out and flows 
Right into the veins, we are led to suppose, 
For the walls of the vessels are porous. 

VI. 

" Now the chyme passing through the pylorus, to wind 

Through the smaller intestine begins, 
Where the bile and the juice pancreatic we find, 
Make chyle of the chyme to their workings consigned 
And this chyle through the lacteals spins. 

VII. 

" Though a pun is offensive in many respects 
An offense at which no one should smile — 
Yet we scarcely can censure a mind that reflects 
That a change in the liquids is that which effects 
The conversion of chy/z/e into chy/e." 



56 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



VIII. 

But here looking up for the laugh, with surprise 

He found himself left all alone, 
And he sighed as he added: "Alas! how unwise 
Are the multitude ! Gossip and fashion and lies 
They relish ; but if to instruct them one tries, 

One might as well talk to a stone." 



CHANSONS PHYSIOLOGIQUES. 57 



THE LADY ANATOMIST. 

(The proposition to admit ladies to the medical profession is a novelty in 
Europe, although we have become familiar with the idea in the United States. 
Nothing, however, can quite reconcile the popular mind to the presence of 
ladies in the dissecting room, engaged in studies of which sheer necessity alone 
can warrant the prosecution even by men. This chanson merely illustrates a 
view which the general reader would naturally take of the case. In the origi- 
nal it bears the title of " V ' Offrande du Cteur") 

I. 

So fair is her face and so classic her brow 

No pen can her beauty portray ; 
But in vain do the Graces her figure endow, 
She is cold as a vestal, though bound by no vow, 

And she casts adulation away. 

II. 

From her lips scientific the words that are heard 
Seem to issue direct from her brains ; 

Like Minerva, whose owl she has always preferred, 

Regarding it as a superior bird 
To the doves Cytherea maintains. 

III. 

Yet low at her feet see the youngster that sighs, 
And offers her jewels and gold ; 



58 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



While in piteous strains his entreaties he plies 
To gain, — were it only a glance from her eyes, — 
Yet he obdurate finds her, and cold. 

IV. 

" But let me interpret thy silence aright ; — 

I know I was wrong from the start; — 
Thou car'st not for gold or for jewels so bright ; — 
Mere wealth can afford to thy soul no delight ; — 
Then I offer thee, dearest, my heart ! " 

V. 

• 

A gratified flash from her eye he observes, 

And he can but rejoice at the sight. 
"'Tis just what I wanted — blood vessels and nerves, 
And muscles contracting in regular curves ! — 

I'm obliged to you, really, sir, quite! 

VI. 

" I'll examine your auricles, ventricles too, 
(While the muscles relax and contract,) 

And the valves that the swift-flowing blood passes 
through, 

And I'll see what the chorda tendinece do, 
And how the aorta must act. 



CHANSONS PHYSIOLOGIQUES. 59 



VII. 

"And since you're so free with your heart, I sup- 
pose 

That your lungs you will also donate, 
With the air cells and bronchial tubes they enclose ; 
I'll keep them in spirits " — but here he arose 

With his love metamorphosed to hate. 

VIII. 

"I'll be blowed if you will!" 1 — it was all he could 
say, 
Though his feelings tumultuous raged. 
So he bowed a farewell ; but he called the same 

day 
On another young lady just over the way, 
Who didn't anatomy study, and they 
In less than a week were engaged. 

1 The French expression here is a horrible blasphemy, which we have 
thought better not to translate literally, preferring a phrase which, though 
ungrammatical, is perhaps innocuous. 



6o VAPTI) VAPORINGS. 



ADIPOSE TISSUE. 

AlR:— The Old Oaken Bucket. 

Hail to thee ! Hail to thee ! Adipose Tissue ! 

Bland, oleaginous, soft and serene ! 
Gladly we welcome thee, sadly we 'd miss you ! x 

Long may thy presence enliven the scene. 
Should we resolve to renew Dr. Tanner's 

Rash but instructive endeavor to fast, 
Aided by thee we might flourish our banners 
Long as thy stores alimentative last. 

Cho. : Here 's to the Tissue, 
The Adipose Tissue, 
The darling old Tissue 
That maketh us swell ! 

Thou givest fullness and grace to the members ; 

Gently they roll when rotundity reigns. 
Thou dost protect us from cruel December's 

Blasts that would chill the best blood in our veins. 
Woe to the wretch that by thee is forsaken, 

Shivering, frost-bitten, faint and forlorn ; 
Ne'er may thine aid from my system be taken — 

Ne'er from my ribs may thy rampart be torn ! 
Cho. : Here 's to the Tissue, etc. 

i As this lyric is in the solemn style throughout, the commonplace form 
of the pronoun is only introduced here by poetical license, to comply with the 
exigencies of the rhyme. 



CHANSONS PHYSIOLOGIQUES. 6 I 



THE GASTRIC JUICE. 

Air: — Gaily the Tioubadour. 

I. 

Gaily the Gastric Juice 

Tackleth the hash, 
As thro' th' oesophagus 

Down doth it splash. 

Cho. : Singing : " To welcome thee 
" Hither I sail ; 
" Lady Dyspepsia 
" Ne'er shall prevail." 

II. 

She at such arrogance 

Hopelessly wept, 
While still the patient to 

Plain living kept. 

Cho. : Singing : " Too long hast thou 

" Plagued me of yore ; 
" Lady Dyspepsia, 
"Rule here no more." 



62 VAPID VAPORINGS. 

III. 

Hark ! 'tis the cocoa-nut 

Breathing her name, 
As to the cardiac 

Portal he came. 

Cho. : Singing : " To herald thee 

" Hither I come ; 
" Lady Dyspepsia, 
" Haste to thy home." 



CHANSONS PHYSIOLOGIQUES. 6$ 



THE NERVOUS SYSTEM. 

Air: — Blue Bells of Scotland. l 



Oh where, and oh where is your Nervous System 

gone ? 
And oh where, and oh where is your Nervous System 

gone ? 
Oh ! it 's gone to smash completely, and my Reason 's 

fled her throne, 
And it 's oh 1 in my heart, that I 'd let my books 

alone ! 

II. 

Oh how, and oh how did you get so awful bad ? 
And oh how ! and oh how did you get so shocking 

bad? 
Oh! 'twas Logic, Mathematics and ^Esthetics that I 

had, 
And it' s oh ! in my heart, that V d stayed at home 

with dad ! 



i A grinding organ, where this can be afforded, will be found the best 
instrumental accompaniment to this lay. 



64 VAPID VAPORINGS. 

III. 

Suppose, and suppose your disorder can 't be cured ? 
And suppose, and suppose your disorder can 't be 

cured ? 
Oh ! I 'd buy some shot and powder and get my life 

insured, 
And I 'd blow out my brains when the payment was 

secured. 



CHANSONS PHYSIOLOGIQUES. 65 



MUSIC. 

Listen, Charles, this conversation will be instructive. — Irish Tutor. 

Sibylline muse ! thine occult page unroll, 
And say why music charms the human soul ; 
Charms, too, not only man — with rational mind — 
But lower animals the fascination find. 

Have we not seen the hound in terror cowed 
By the bold Band with drums and cymbals loud ? 
When by the orchestra some air is played 
His brute anxieties are soon allayed ; 
The mild expression of his ears observe 
While wags his round unvarnished tail in placid 
curve. 

The cat, domestic pet of cruel race, 
Will gaze upon the fireside flutist's face, 
Her wistful mien would seem to say : " I see 
Some memory of the past portrayed in thee ; 
Some caterwaul thy plaintive strains suggest, 
That thrills my feline heart." If not expressed, 
This might be understood ; nor deem it wrong 
Of poets Greek, that in their lyric song, 
9 



66 VAPID VAPORIXGS. 



Where strophes mixed with antistrophes blend, 
They give the fatal cat a strophe at the end. 

The war-horse champing, at the bugle sound, 

His bit, impatient for the fight, will bound ; 

The martial music stirs his pulses fast, 

But leaves him hors(e) du combat on the plain at last. 

The serpent, subtlest of the creature throng, 
Forgets his subtlety and lists to song ; 
Betrayer of mankind, by song betrayed, 
His poisoned fangs are all innocuous made. 
Tell, then, O Muse, the hidden pow'rs that wake 
In man, and man's worst enemy, the snake, 
Such transports, that, to other instincts dead, — 
Self-preservation, first of instincts, fled — 
They give themselves entirely up, nor care 
Whether to-morrow's lot be foul or passing fair. 

" Fond mortal, cease," the heavenly maid replies : 

" Study anatomy, and then be wise : 
Sound is the rippling of vibrating air, 
Which strikes the tympanum and causes there 
A titillation, either strong or weak, 
And if in tune — or chiming, — so to speak, 
With other titillations lately past 
Or present, the sensorium as fast 



CHANSONS PHYSIOLOGIQUES. 67 

Records its approbation, and the mind 
Accepts the record. This the cause you '11 find 
Of music's charms." "Oh, yes ; I 've read all that; 
But how — ?" "There! that's enough, boy! — 

verbum sat I 
Do n't ask so many questions." So she said ; 
As back to her Parnassian home she swiftly sped. 



RHYMES IN SEASON. 



89 



RHYMES IN SEASON. 71 



THE JANUARY THAW. 

I've seen thousands and thousands of Januaries, and I never saw one 
without a thaw yet. — Lady of Very Uncertain Age. 

RECITATIVO. 

Let others sing the joys of Spring, 
Or Autumn's glories feebly bring 
Before our satiated gaze, 
Familiar with their works and ways, 
Such worn-out themes suit poets raw : 
I sing the January thaw. 

ARIA. 

The cold snap is o'er and the breezes 

From southerly regions blow ; 
No longer the wayfarer freezes 

Though the earth be still covered with snow. 
For soon shall the snow-drift be melted, 

Its texture enables the boys 
To mould that soft missile, which pelted, 

The pompous too often annoys. 

The snow with its ice-fetters busted 1 
Descends from the roof with a rush, 

1 The rin this word adds nothing to its force, but rather detracts from it; 
so that energetic persons usually omit it, and the poet has judiciously followed 
their example. 



72 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



The boys from the lake come disgusted 

Unable to skate in the slush. 
In your cutter with somebody's daughter 

You are p'rhaps just about to propose, 
When a mixture of mud and snow-water 

Splashes up and alights on your nose. 

When Numa Pompilius invented 

This month as the gate of the year, 
Egeria kindly consented 

To make it a month of good cheer : 
'Though Boreas reigns at that season, 

Some days we will snatch from his law ; 
And the zephyr she breathes is the reason 

Assigned for the regular thaw. 

Then here's to old Numa Pompilius, 

And here's to Egeria, too ; 
With courtesy ever punctilious 

We give them the praise that is due : 
For though we love sleighing and skating 

Yet still 'tis a comfort to draw 
A breath of that rigor-abating 

Sweet breeze that occasions the thaw. 



RHYMES IN SEASON. 73 



THE GROUNDHOG TO HIS SHADOW. 

Perturber of my hibernating dreams ! 

Dark, fateful child of wintry solar beams — 

Of that chill sunlight, powerless to thaw, 

Companion of the breezes, bleak and raw, — 

Say, dost thou lie in wait my hopes to blight, 

When I awake from this long winter's night — 

To dog my footsteps, chase me back to earth, 

Put off for six weeks more my second birth ? 

Molest me not, dire phantom, troublous elf, 

Malevolent presentment of myself ; 

Let thickening clouds obscure the solar ray, 

So oft desired, so undesired to-day, 

Then shall I revel in Dame Nature's lap, 

Nip the young twigs and taste the ascending sap; 

A jocund life of genial days commence ! 

So mote it be ! Hence, horrible shadow, hence ! 

February 2, 1S85. 



74 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



THE SNOWS OF MARCH. 

The snows of March, the snows of March, 

How pitiless they fall, 
While hearts made sick by hope deferred 

In vain on springtime call. 

For many days the blue bird's song 
Has echoed thoughts of cheer : 

The robin's too confiding breast 
Has shown its crimson here ; 

The cottonwood, with bursting buds, 

Responds to fostering rays, 
And golden tints on willow twigs 

Foretell of brighter days. 

Yet ceaseless snows, unwelcome snows 

Still pitilessly fall 
And check the vernal energies 

Beneath their ghastly pall. 

We shrink not from November's snow, 

That soothes the chafing air, 
And covers Summer's ruined hopes 

With o-Htterino- gems and fair : 



RHYMES IN SEASON. 75 

Nor from December's full supply, 
When snow birds sport with glee, — 

And merry sleigh bells tell of joys 
For winter days to be. 

But these unsought-for, lingering snows, 

Have naught for us in store ; 
Their only mission seems to teach 

The sigh of " Nevermore." 



76 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



NOW BEGINNETH THE HOT SPELL. 

My languid forces fail, 
Relaxed my muscles are, unstrung my nerves : 

The heated gale 
Blows from the South : a fan's of no avail ; 
Straight from the South it blows, and never swerves, — 
I pant, I sink, I die, 
And thus I sigh — 

Thus do I make my moan : 
" O Torrid Zone, 
O land between the tropics, near the sun, 
Say, do thy sweltering millions passive lie ? 
Or tell me how their work in life is done : 
What strengthens them, — what keeps their courage up ? 
What braces up their nerves, and fills the cup 

Of life with joy ? Tell me, O Zone ! " 
The haughty Zone replied not to my moan, 
But Echo, lingering in a grotto near, 
Answered in accents clear : 
" Ozone ! " 



RHYMES IN SEASON. 77 



ODE TO THE DOG-STAR. 

Hail ! brilliant asterisk, most radiant orb 

Of all the " fixed " that gem our winter sky ! 

No wonder that thy splendor should absorb 
The astronomic mind, and make it fly 
From nearer worlds, fondly to ask thee why 

Thine influence, so blest in winter's night 
Should be perverted by the summer's day, 
Is it from jealousy of Phoebus' ray? 

And since thou seest mankind are oft laid low by a 
Stroke from the sun, thou think'st it is but right 

To strike thy kindred dogs with hydrophobia ? 

In ancient Egypt, where perpetual Nile 
Rolls from the South his fertilizing flood, 

The farmer views thy rising with a smile, 
As portent of a fresh supply of mud — 
Mud that to him means human flesh and blood, 

With grain the medium of assimilation. 
He iistens for the hypothetic bark — 

Which, realized, might fill with consternation — 
And when he hears it, bundles up his traps — 
His agricultural implements, perhaps, — 

To reach his mountain home before 'tis dark. 



7S VAPID VAPORINGS. 

In this our Western land thou hast thine aids, 

Thy coadjutors in thy black intention, 
(Black as perdition, or the ace of spades) 

To drive us crazy. Presidential vetoes 
Or an)' other evils you could mention, 
Are light compared with these of your invention, 

These aids of yours — of course, I mean mosquitoes — 
Thou rul'st the day and they pervade the night 
And leave poor man without a refuge quite. 

No wonder from such tyrants to escape,] 

E'en for another in a worser shape, 
We seek the Muses' aid, in sheer poetic spite. 

But tell us now, — I hope it isn't wrong to 

Ask such a question : or you must excuse me — 
To tell your lineage, though, you can't refuse me — 

Or say, in short, what breed do you belong to ? 
Are you a spaniel, or a black and tan, 

A "yaller dog," or p'rhaps a thorough bull, 
A mastiff, may be, and of fury full — 
A Newfoundland — the constant friend of man ? 

But no ! no friend of human kind art thou, 
Thou rabid, raging, ugly mongrel beast — ■ 
Such do we deem thee lising in the East, 

Yet, when thy Western goal is reached, as now, 
By long acquaintance come to know thee better 
We recognize thy merits as a setter. 



FURTIVE SNATCHES AT HASH 



7» 



FURTIVE SNATCHES AT HASH. 



THE MEETING OF THE WAITERS. 

[This is a very ancient poem. It is alluded to by " Mrs. Crummy," one 
of the characters in the popular drama of the '" Irish Lion." Its existence was 
for a long time a matter of doubt among the learned, but after much unseemly 
contention and savage vituperation, it was at length unearthed from the 
Archives of the St. Cecilia Philomathean Association. It will be seen at once 
that Moore's " Meeting of the Waters" is a wretched wishy-washy imitation.] 

There is not in this wide world a wreck so complete 
As the crash of the plates when two bright waiters meet. 
Oh ! the last drops of gravy and soup must depart 
Ere the shattered remains are consigned to the cart ' 

But 'tis not the collision that spreads o'er the scene, 
The fragments of crystal and bits of tureen; 
'Tis not the soft flop of the hashes they spill, 
Ah ! no, it is something more exquisite still. 

'Tis that boys who love mischief are painfully near, 
Who drive the head -waiter half wild with a cheer, 
And who feel how the best jokes will always improve 
When reflected from eyes that the humorous love. 

Sweet dining apartment, how calm could I rest 
At thy tables serene with the chuck 1 love best, 
While digestion proceeds with a conscience at peace 
And our weight, like thy waiters', may daily increase. 

i The time-honored cart of our refectory must not be confounded with the 
conventional carte of the modern hotel. 



82 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



THOUGHTS ON HAVING SAUSAGE FOR 
BREAKFAST. 

How nice, when at morn we descend, 

The succulent sausage appears ; 
While odors deliciously blend 

In a rich tout-ensemble that cheers. 

And yet would calumnious spite 

E'en here a suspicion instil ; 
E'en here would its venomous blight 

Forbid us our joy to fulfil. 

For some would persuade us the purp 
And his tougher old father, the dog, — 

That the cat and her kittens usurp 
The place of the orthodox hog. 

How quickly such calumnies vile 

Thy genial presence dispels ; 
The libel we meet with a smile, 

And our conduct our confidence tells. 

How snugly we gather thee in, 

While gravy so unctuously drips, 
And our faces expand in a grin 

As we lift thy loved form to our lips. 



FURTIVE SNATCHES AT HASH. 83 



PEANUTS. 

I. 

Oh, how detestable, 
Is this comestible ! 
Doctors denounce them as quite indigestible. 

II. 

Still the boys munching them, 
-Cracking and crunching them, 
Vainly expect the effect of a lunch in them. 

III. 

Stuffed to satiety, 
(Farewell, propriety ! ) 
Still they go cracking on, pests of society. 

IV. 

Symptoms of cholera, 
Making them holler "ah ! " 
Soon supervene, while the peanuts they swaller, ah ! 

V. 

Would you our gratitude 
Gain, from our latitude 
Drive this abuse; — it would comfort us, that it 
would ! 



84 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



VI. 

Banish it utterly ; 
Nuts in the gutter lay ; 
Then I '11 subscribe myself, yours, sir, peanutterly. 



KNOCKS AROUND THE ROCKIES. 



KNOCKS AROUND THE ROCKIES. 87 



RECOLLECTIONS OF SAGUACHE. 

[After many weary weeks in the desolate caiion of the Lake Fork of the 
Gunnison, our engineering corps was sent to the rich agricultural region 
around Saguache. The month was October, but the rancheros were getting 
in vast crops of hay, and oats were green in the fields.] 

I. 

By swelling hills begirt around 

And sheltered from the gale 
Whose gusts unceasingly resound 

Throughout San Luis vale, 
How favored thou with genial air, 
How bright in sunshine, and how fair 

Beneath the moonbeams pale ! 

II. 
What ores thy braes, Bonanza, bear 

No tongue of man may tell ; 
And matchless are the virtues rare . 

Of famed Pagosa's well. 
The sick seek these ; the former, ill 
With maddening cares more fatal still, 

Her busy hordes indwell. 

III. 
No miners crowd Saguache's marts 
In feverish lust of gold ; 



88 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



No sulphurous taint its worth imparts 

To waters pure and cold. 
Let other cities find such aid ; 
But her foundations, firmer laid, 

Rest upon wealth untold. 

IV. 

Recumbent on their fragrant loads 

The gay rancheros sing ; 
The droves of kine that throng the roads 

Show whence their riches spring ; 
From the broad fields of waving grain- 
A threefold crop the farmers gain 

And live as lives a king. 

V. 

How grand to them thy peaks that scale 
The wondrous views displayed : 

The lakelets of San Luis vale 
By sunlight mirrors made ; 

Behold, in atmospheric change, 

Sangre de Cristo — mighty range 
Advance, recede and fade. 

VI. 

At morn a thousand sunlit hills 
With rosy blushes glow ; 



KNOCKS AROUND THE ROCKIES. 89 

At noon a thousand crystal rills 

With golden ripple flow ; 
At eve an amethystine hue 
Steals slowly o 'er the distant view, 

Empurpling all below. 

VII. 

Go on, Saguache, and prosper still 

Beneath thy golden sun ; 
Grow brighter, mightier until 

The destined goal is won ; 
Unrivalled then assume the place 
Reserved for her that wins the race 

By thee so well begun. 



go VAPID VAPORINGS. 



THE BALLAD OF THE FEROCIOUS UTE 
AND THE CRAFTY COOK. 

The Ute got up on his high, 1 high horse 

And struck the Gunnison trail : 
The dread design of his reckless course 

Was death to the faces pale : 
At the whoop he whooped, without remorse 

The stoutest hearts might quail. 

The cook alone in the Railroad camp 

Is cooking the evening meal ; 
He hears afar the horse's tramp 

And the Indian war whoop peal, 
And he knows too well that with men of that stamp 

It is nasty to have to deal. 

Then swift ran he to the office tent, 
While the war-whoops louder grew ; 

For the red, red ink he quickly went, 
For the red ink and the blue, 

And the colors he mixed and skilfully blent 
To a shade of purple hue. 

i. Figurative. The Ute ponies are quite small. 



KNOCKS AROUND THE ROCKIES. 91 

He speckled his hands — he speckled his face 
With blotches both many and wide, 

Until he resembled a sad, sad case 
Of smallpox putrefied ; 

Then under his blankets he crept apace, 
His enemy's wrath to bide. 

The Ute descends the beetling rocks, 

Intent upon scalps is he ; 
But the cook's appearance rudely shocks 

His dreams of barbarous glee ; 
For much he dreadeth the small, small-pox 

E'en more than the old Harree. 

He gazed on the cook's empurpled skin 

And he briefly muttered " How ! " 
Then sudden turned he from the ways of sin 

And was off with troubled brow ; 
But the cook arose with a gratified grin — 

He was safe from the Indian now. 

From this a lesson we ought to learn, 

(As we listen with due surprise) 
How good in evil we may discern, — 

So ever have done the wise, — 
For man can even, to serve his turn. 

The small-pox Utilize. 



92 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



THE LAY OF THE CACTUS. 

Aria : El Uso del Verde. 

I. 

Oh ! glorious is the cactus in the merry month of May: 
With crimson, pink and amber hues the mountain side 

is gay ; 
You might travel many a weary league nor see a view 

so bright ; 
But the cactus isn't just the thing to sit upon — not 

quite ! 

II. 

I was scrambling up the canon side my level on my 

shoulder — 
The way was steep and treacherous with broken stone 

and bowlder, 
And one uncertain foothold brought a trouble unto me, 
For upon a rampant cactus I sat down so suddenlee. 

III. 

If you sit upon a thistle, it may startle you, 'tis true, 
Yet when you rise the thistle's thorns are growing 
where they grew ; 



KNOCKS AROUND THE ROCKIES. 93 

But the stickers of the cactus will desert the parent 

stem, 
And attach themselves to any that make overtures to 

them. 

IV. 

As the squaw from out her husband's chin doth care- 
fully erase 

Each sprouting hair that threateneth to beard his gentle 
face, 

So from me a friendly flagman undertook the extrica- 
tion, — 

Each individual thorn required a separate operation. 

V. 

And while the friendly flagman for those cruel thorns 

did look, 
Beneath his patient surgery I shivered and I shook ; 
And though he said they all were out, that is, all he 

could get, — 
Is it fact or is it fancy ? — sometimes I feel them yet ! 



94 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



AN OVERDONE SUBJECT. 
Air : Rosin the Bow. 
I. 
Oh, give us a rest with your Rockies, 

Your canons and gulches and springs ; 
Apparently, some people's stock is 
Restricted to that sort of things. 
Pike's Peak — Uncompahgre — Mount Blanca- 

I ve seen them and taken their scalps — 
Their levels, I mean, and they rank a 
Long way below Andes or Alps. 

II. 

I've crossed at a moderate amble 

The Great Continental Divide ; 
It"s only two jumps and a scramble 

To get up on old Shavano's side. 
A man in contemplative mood '11 

Find little to set him aglow ; 
No hill of the wretched caboodle 

Ascends to perpetual snow. 

III. 
Nor does their appearance betoken 
A grandeur of substance or mode ; 



KNOCKS AROUND THE ROCKIES. 



95 



They look like the heaps of stone broken 
To mend a macadamized road. 

And as for the climate, 'tis buncombe. 
To talk of salubrious air. 

Most invalids die there, and some come 
Back twenty times worse than they were. 

IV. 

Oh, who that has stood on Plinlimmon 

And viewed the bright prospect below, 
Would e'er give a blighted persimmon 

For all Colorado can show 
When some would persuade me to dwell in 

Those regions of cactus and sage, 
I tell them to go to Helvellyn, 

And that sends them off in a rage. 



VINDICTIVE AND MANIACAL. 



S7 



13 






VINDICTIVE AND MANIACAL. 99 



TO A NEIGHBORING EDITOR. 

[His name will be found concealed in the figure paronomasia in the 
eighth stanza. His offence consisted in the manner in which he described me 
among the eligible bachelors in his leap year (1876) column. He deducted 
at least ten years from my venerable age. The poem is constructed on strict 
mathematical principles.] 

I. 

I 've a quiet disposition, but the unprovoked attack 
Which you made upon me recently deserves an an- 
swer back. 
For talent conversational you 've made me out a bear, 
And you 've robbed me of the summers that have 
thinned my golden hair. 

II. 

Do n't think your predecessors' luck to share, and bid 

defiance, 
Their assailants did not have recourse to mathematic 

science, 
Their " Gunnery and Projectiles " they neglected, 

every one ; 
But I 've got a little formula for loading up a gun. 



VAPID VAPORINGS. 



III. 

And before I kill you utterly and put you out of pain 
I '11 make you roar for mercy — that you '11 never do 't 

again. 
I '11 heap inflictions on you with accelerating force, 
And put you through the torture of a mathematic 

course. 

IV. 

I '11 pass a polar axis through your centre of gyration, 
And then reduce to lowest terms your " personal 

equation," 
I '11 differentiate you from your forehead to your toes, 
And wind a helicoid around your editorial nose. 

V. 

In a hyperbolic spiral your ideas I '11 entangle, 

With a radius vector varying inversely as your angle. 

I '11 make you square the circle and triangulate the 

sphere, 
Then dismiss you on a tangent, with a cissoid in your 

ear. 

VI. 

Your horizontal parallax I '11 next proeeed to find 
With a double-barrelled telescope and levelling-rod 

combined ; 
I '11 then project you upwards with intensifying speed 
Till the cosine of your altitude is very small indeed. 



VINDICTIVE AND MANIACAL. 



VII. 

Beyond the reach of gravity you '11 find yourself at 

last, 
With asteroids annoying you and comets whirling 

past ; 
And never to your earthly home serenely will you 

float, 
Till the infinite hyperbola shall meet its asymptote. 

VIII. 

Then beware ! — it is the season now for maples to be 

tapped 
Learn wisdom from the sugar camp, before your 

strength is sapped ; 
For though you estimate yourself the heavier man 

to be, 
Yet mine 's the greater modulus of elasticitee. 



VAPID VAPORINGS. 



SORDID.' 

"When poverty enters the door, Love flies out of the window.'' — Old 
A dage. 

" Stamping done here.'' — Miss Minx, the Milliner 

I. 

Eros, the lord alike of gods and men, 

Ruler of courts, of cottages and camps, 
Who that hath felt his power can think again 
Of stamps. 

II. 

He favors not alone the rich and great, 

He warms the pauper's heart — illumes the tramp's ; 
He yields no precedence to wealth or state, 
Or stamps. 

III. 

" The naked negro, panting at the line," 

Loves : no restraint his glowing fervor damps ; 
Nought doth he care for store of mint, or mine, 
Or stamps. 

i Written on the occasion of a contumelious intimation by a certain 
poetess that she regretted the stamps she had expended in conducting a some- 
what unnecessarily protracted correspondence. 



VINDICTIVE AND MANIACAL. 









IV. 

What, then, this Poverty that drives Love back — 

Defies his darts — extinguishes his lamps? 
Is it mere lack of worldly pelf — mere lack 
Of stamps ? 

V. 

No ; to repel him is the miser's lot ; 

'Tis avarice love's energy that cramps. 
Yes ; 'tis a Poverty of Soul, and not 
Of stamps. 

VI. 

Spread — spread thine iridescent wings, O Love ! 

Fly from these mercenary Mrs. Gamps ; 
And seek a maiden with a soul above 
Mere stamps ! 



104 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



ON RECEIVING FURTHER OBLOQUY 
FROM THE SAME SOURCE. 

Air: — The Wearing of the Green. 

I. 

Rest, rest, perturbed spirit, 1 rest ! Disordered mind, 

be calm ; 
Nor mingle angry clangor with the chimes of Notre 

Dame. 
Such names as "liar," "arrant thief," defile a gentle 

pen : 
It is not seemly for a girl to fleer at learned men. 

II. 

But though I 'm not a "bandit," I can teach you this, 

fair maid : 
When you wish to use a weapon, do not hold it by the 

blade. 
If there 's naught in Colorado save the filling of the 

purse, 
And your aims are all prosaic, why do you rush into 

verse ? 

i Shakspeare, I think ; but my credits sometimes embarrass me more than 
my debits. 



VINDICTIVE AND MANIACAL. 105 



III. 

Love gold, if that's your nature, but it will not help 

your luck 
To make the Car of Poetry a vehicle for truck. 
Cast no more wistful glances at the laurel's sacred 

boughs, 
But bind a wreath of sage-brush on your mercenary 

brows. 

IV. 

O Plutus, filthy Plutus ! do your prophetesses think 
To sell the bright Pierian wave at fifteen cents a 

drink ? 
Or send it bottled C. O. D. with catalogues of 

" cures," 
And "chemical analysis ?" Apollo this endures? 



V. 

The Muse affronted stands aghast, her lute away she 

flings 
When bid to sing of postage stamps, — the nasty, sticky 

things ; 
Nor can we wonder, seeing you defy celestial ire, 
That when you next invoke the Muse, a Fury should 

inspire. 



Io6 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



VI. 

I see you on the canon's brink, the Fury to you clings, 
A burro is your Pegasus, — you take his ears for 

wings ; 
And when you make the fatal plunge, without ' your 

" flying horse," 
The outraged Nine assembled chant a paean o'er your 

corse. 



P. S. — Please stamp here. 



i Those conversant with burro nature will ask no explanation of how this 
could be. 



VINDICTIVE AND MANIACAL. 107 



ULTERIOR VIEWS. 

Carpe diem. — Horace. 
Aria : The Days when we went Gypsying. 

[N. B. — A well-executed double-clog at the end of each verse will much 
enhance the moral effect of this unpretending little lyric] 



Ulterior views ! ulterior views ! 

What horrid things they are ! 
The outlook' s wide enough without 

Extending it so far. 
Encountering Jim the other night 

I, breathless, asked the news ; 
But he said : " I '11 see you later," 

For he had ulterior views. 
Repeat, Calando: He said : " I' 11 see you later," 

For he had ulterior views. 

{And /hits repeat the closing lines of each successive stanza.) 
II. 

While at a ball I late essayed 

Politely to advance 
And ask a high-toned girl to be 

My partner in the dance ; 



108 VAPID VAPORINGS. 

To my discomfiture, she said : 
" You really must excuse ; " 
For millionaires were present 
And she had ulterior views. 

III. 

I met a lovely damsel once 

Who realized my dreams, 
And squandered my inheritance 

On peanuts and ice-creams ; 
Yet when I offered her my hand, 

My hand she did refuse ; 
She said : " I rather like you, 

But I 've got ulterior views." 

IV. 

In desperation I resolved 

A Poet I would be, 
And pluck undying laurels from 

Apollo's sacred tree. 
How sad the answer I received 

When I invoked the Muse : 
" I can 't inspire you, really, 

For I 've got ulterior views." 

V. 

Cold calculation ever thus 
Our present bliss benumbs. 



VINDICTIVE AND MANIACAL. 109 

Uphold the good old adage, then : 
" To-morrow never comes." 
The present moment only is 

The one that we can use ; 
Employ it wisely, therefore, and 

Avoid ulterior views. 



VAPID VAPORINGS. 



WANDERINGS OF A MIND. 

I. 

I've been roaming, wildly roaming 

Where the Lion hath its lair, 
And the Western Winds are combing — 

Combing Berenice's Hair ; 
Where fierce Ursa Major rageth, 

And Orion's hands are full, 
As unceasing strife he wageth 

With the Zodiacal Bull. 

II. 

I've been stalking, gravely stalking 

Up and down the Milky Way, 
\\ 'here the Asteroids are talking 

Of obtaining "rec." to-day; 
But I calm their mad commotion 

With a mild, paternal frown, 
And they lay aside the notion, 

As I 'm bound to put it down. 

III. 

I 've been ranging, freely ranging 

Through the backward flight of years, 



VINDICTIVE AND MANIACAL. 



And I hear the everchanging 
Solemn music of the spheres ; 

Andromeda, Centaurus, 
And Bootes with his aunt, 

All are joining in the chorus 
Of that grand Gregorian chant. 



OTHER THEMES. 



113 
*5 



OTHER THEMES. 115 



CECILIAN DAYS. 

Cecilian Days ! Cecilian Days ! 
How many memories they raise ! 
Fond recollections of the scenes 

And friends of days of yore — 
Though many a season intervenes, 

And we shall see no more 
Those triumphs of an early day, 
Those Fathers kind and comrades gay 

That dreams to us restore. 

Hark ! through the woods the echoes ring, 
And startled birds are on the wing, 
To flee the clamor of the drums 

And shrieking fifes that tell 
A band of young Cecilians comes ; 

Behold their banners swell 
And glitter, to the breezes spread ! 
Their uniforms of blue and red 

Become the striplings well. 

Whose is the well-known form they seek, 
While each and all his praises speak ? 



Il6 VAPID VAPORINGS. 

To greet their Father and their guide 
They hasten in their joy ; 

He welcomes them with worthy pride — 
How soon can Time destroy ! 

Beyond the lake the cedars wave 

Above that loving Father's grave, 
While dreams our minds employ. 

Cecilian days ! Cecihan days ! 

How many pleasant hopes they raise, 

When thinking of success achieved 

By old associates since 
They left our halls, and have received 

The praises that evince 
A merit, whose foundations laid 
Amongst us, have the builder made 

Beyond his peers a prince. 

Some in the busy marts of trade 

Have fortunes honorably made ; 

And some have sought forensic praise 

In crowded courts to share ; 
While others, shunning worldly ways, 

The way to Heav'n prepare 
Both for themselves and comrades dear 
Who once associated here 

Should still be comrades there. 



OTHER THEMES. 117 



And some have passed the shrouded shore, 
And we shall hear their voice no more 
Till St. Cecilia's welcome falls 

On our glad ears, while in amaze 
We greet her in those heavenly halls ; 

And on that blessed Vision gaze — 
The guerdon of an earthly strife. 
Oh ! may we seek that after-life 

In these Cecilian days ! 



Il8 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



SHADOWS CAST BY THE MORNING STAR. 

No streak of dawn had tinged the cloudless skies, 

The crescent moon had set, and yet a ray 
Of creamy lustre with its glad surprise 

Awaked me. Phosphor, harbinger of day, 
Threw shadows of my lattice on the floor 
Distinctly traced. A thousand stars or more 

Shone in the East : the glowing Charioteer 
And Leda's twins with crowns of lambent fire, 
Belted Orion, and the maiden choir 

Of Pleiads ; red-eyed Saturn, too, was near. 
Cross-lights from these too feeble were by far 

To fur the edges of those shadows cast. 

Transcendent joy, by shade of misery past, 
Is measured, like the light of this fair star. 
Notre Dame, August, 1884. 



OTHER THEMES. 119 



VAIN REGRETS. 

, . " I. 

Oh ! could I but my steps retrace, 

Remembering all I've learned, 
My past would wear a different face, 

And present joys be earned : 
Experience would guide me well 

Each error to evade, 
And each occasion to foretell 

Where profit could be made. 

II. 

Thus, sadly musing, sighs Remorse, 

We all have felt the pain ; 
In Egotism it finds its source, 

And yields us little gain. 
For calm Reflection answers him : 

Suppose that it were so, 
And Providence should grant your whim, 

How far, then, could you go ? 

III. 

Experience could teach you, true, 
Your first fault to escape, 



VAPID VAPORINGS. 



But then would break upon your view 

Affairs in different shape. 
Your subsequent career would so 

By this be modified, 
Experience could not with you go 

Nor be your constant guide. 

IV. 

Such varied form doth circumstance — 

No two alike — assume, 
That vainly strives Experience 

The darkness to illume. 
The glimmering light that she affords 

Is ours — 'twas dearly bought: 
Without a brighter light — the Lord's — 

Our future will be naught. 



OTHER THEMES. 



A STUDY OF FEMININE CHARACTER. 

I. 

You are saucy, but yet not a minx, it is plain, 
Since a minx is good-humored, though flippant 

and vain. 
Still less as a prude should we name you aright, 
For a prude is discreet, and of manners polite. 

II. 

Nor can we apply the dread title of shrew ; 
A shrew inspires terror, and so do not you. 
A vixen, perhaps, would appropriate be, 
But of humorous wit she can boast a degree. 

III. 

To be called a virago, indeed you'd be proud — 
Viragoes are hearty and dashing and loud ; 
Fair play they observe when they " chaff " with 

the men ; 
But you cry " no fair " when you're chaffed at 

again. 



VAPID VAPORINGS. 



IV. 

Do not hope as a termagant ever to shine : 
By Juno, the termagant's somewhat divine ; 
Sublime is the height her ferocity gains — 
Your wrath to sublimity never attains. 

V. 

Your faults are not vices — they're rather too 

small — 
And pusillanimity covers them all. 
Comprehensively may we your qualities lump 
In one monosyllable, Miss, you're a Frump. 



OTHER THEMES. I 23 



THE FIRE IN THE PRINTING HOUSE. 

August ii, 1S78. 

Saint Laurence Festival had reached its close, 
The sun had set — the twilight too had passed, 
When Saturn's 1 pale, malefic orb appeared 
Above the forest east of Notre Dame. 
Occupant now of Aries' fiery sign, 
And working ill to all he gazed upon. 

The guardian of the printing house, with care, 
Made at that hour his final evening round 
To see that all was well ; and all seemed well, 
Save that upon the breathless, stagnant air, 
There lingered odors of a smouldering fire : 
"Some brush-heap burns," quoth he, and dallied not, 
But Saturn's work of hate was going on. 

Midnight is past, and wrapped in balmy sleep, 
The brotherhood repose, and all is still ; 
But he that bears the name of that great Saint 
Whose festival was just completed, found 

1. On the 10th of August, 1878, Saturn being in the first hour of Aries 
rose between 8 and 9 p. M. He culminated between 2 and 3 a. m. on the nth 



124 VAPID VAPORINGS. 

No rest upon his iron bed, perhaps 

His patron's fiery couch had on his mind 

Taken too strong a hold, — perhaps the Saint, 

While danger threatened, would not let him sleep. 

Howe'er it might be, from his restless bed 

He rose, and paced unresting up and down. 

'Twas two o'clock and past, and Saturn's orb 
Had reached meridian height — ha! what is that ?- 
That lurid flicker in the printing house ? 
Struggling with volumes of outpouring smoke, 
Seen by the moonlight streaming from the West? 
'Tis fire — devouring fire — an outcry soon 
Arouses all the sleeping brotherhood, 
And pistol shots are heard, as though it were 
Detected as incendiary work. 
But no incendiary was at hand, 
The pistol only echoed to arouse. 

Now at the pumps behold a motley throng. 
A line is formed, the wave baptismal flows 
To rescue from the flames. Some on the roof 
Are forcing entrance : some at windows try 
Though oft repulsed by suffocating clouds. 
They seek to trace the cause of all the ill 
And fight the evil in its origin. 



OTHER THEMES. I 25 



Meanwhile that moist and watery orb, the Moon, ' 

Is forcing to Aquarius her way 

Where Jupiter awaits her : thus they join 

To frustrate Saturn's evil purposes ; 

And then the fire is checked, and all retire 

To bind their wounds and thank the heavenly pow'rs. 

1. The moon entered Aquarius just as the fire was extinguished. 



126 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



BOYS SKATING. 

How hale their cheeks, how glad their eyes appear ! 
How blithe they glide upon the frozen mere ! 
Shod with the steel that glisters as they curve. 
In grace unstudied, lithely they preserve 
A poise aerial as the swallows fly. 
" But why this labor ? " Orientals cry : 
" Is it some strife that emulation breeds ? 
Some mimic war to train for nobler deeds ? 
As when the untuneful Nine dispute the base, 
And mark the score upon the umpire's face ? " 
No quarrel here. " Then, do they recreate 
A wearied brain, or health recuperate ? " 
Such thought the hypochondriac mind employs, 
Prudential motives never urge the boys. 
No future care, corroding, intervenes ; 
Skating to them an end is, not a means. 
And while they skim across the icy lake, 
Their aim is simple : Act for action's sake. 
My Asiatic neighbor, learn from them 
A truth long hidden from the sons of Shem : 
Japhet's glad sons crave no Nirvana rest ; 
They teach the world: to do is to be blest. 



OTHER THEMES. I27 



WRITTEN AFTER DARK. 

He was wealthy and young and of noble blood, 
But ever beside him a spectre stood. 

When he rode to the hunt with hound and horse, 
The spectre followed his headlong course. 

When he mounted the castle's winding stair, 
The spectre's step for each step was there. 

When he sat at the feast in his father's hall, 
Up-loomed before him the spectre tall. 

Its look struck terror, its glance affright, 
Though none but he saw the fearsome sight. 

Men called him merry — men thought him gay, 
While his raven locks were turning grey. 

It brought him at length to his cold death -bed, 
And hovered in triumph above his head. 

And above his grave, when they laid him there, 
Did the spectre dance to a mocking air. 

While it wrote on the stone, with fiendish glee, 
" Judge no man happy by what ye see." 



THE COMMENTATOR. 



129 



THE COMMENTATOR. 131 



THE COMMENTATOR. 

A VISION OF THE REMOTE FUTURE. 

Let us launch ourselves — we that write for posterity — into the abyss of 
futurity, and imagine ourselves arrived at a time when the language we now 
speak shall have become surrounded by the halo of antiquity. Let us take up 
a volume of "Ancient American Anthology," and thus read the remaining 
fragment of " Kathleen Mavourneen," enriched with copious notes, by Dr. 
Fudge : 

Kathleen Mavourneen, 1 the grey 2 dawn is breaking, 3 
The 4 'orn 5 of the 'unter is 'eard on the 'ill. 6 

The lark 7 from her light wing the bright dew 8 is shak- 
ino" 
Kathleen Mavourneen ! what! slumbering still! 9 

NOTES. 

1 Mavourneen. — The ancient Americans appear always to have had two 
names — sometimes more. The last was the family name, seldom mentioned 
in lyric poetry. This is a remarkable instance to the contrary. The gens 
Mavourneen was quite a distinguished one among the ancients. 

2 Grey. — The name of a color ; but what color it was has long been the 
subject of dispute. From the constant recurrence of the erjithet " rosy" ap- 
plied to the dawn, we should imagine that the two terms were synonymous, 
"grey" being used instead of "rosy" for the sake of the metre. Now 
" rosy" it is well known, signifies the color of the rose. " Grey" therefore, 
undoubtedly means red. Professor Flinders (absurdly enough) imagines that 
grey signifies the dull, dingy color sometimes observed in the morning sky, and 
instances the " honor due to grey hairs," so frequently adverted to in the 
classics. He thinks that grey hair indicates the hair of old age. This is a 
lamentable error. The ancient Americans were not particularly respectful to 
old age, but we all know their extreme regard for red hair. 

3 Breaking. — "To break" (Gr. dyvOtH) is properly a transitive verb. 
Hence, we naturally ask, " What does the dawn break?" To some, this 
passage has presented considerable difficulty, but we think it is easily dis- 
posed of. The dawn, of course, breaks the monotony that would soon super- 
vene, were the continuance of night perpetual. 

4 The 'orn of the 'unter is 'eard on the 'ill. — The common version has 
it : " The horn of the hunter is heard on the hill" but as the erudite and 
sagacious Gammon justly observes, the constant recurrence of the aspirate 
resembles the panting and puffing of a steam engine, and sadly mars the har- 



132 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



mony of the poem. We have thought it an emendation to substitute the 
spiritus ion's of the cockney dialect,' so often met with in the works of 
Dickens, and which was cultivated by the inhabitants of London, a celebrated 
eastern colony of the ancient Americans. This reading is supported by one or 
two manuscripts, and is undoubtedly the original. 

5"'Cr«. — The ancient American hunters used to carry their powder in 
'orns, or horns, as the common edition has it. How these " horns" could be 
/ward does not at first seem evident, but when we reflect on the careless habits 
of our ancestors, and particularly on their practice of smoking cigars while 
loading their guns, it is not surprising that explosions of the powder should 
frequently have happened, so often, indeed, as to have been ordinary matutinal 
occurrences. Now, the explosion of a powder horn would undoubtedly have 
been audible to a considerable distance, and although the hypothesis is rather 
frightful to those who attempt to realize the actual social condition of the 
ancient Americans, yet it throws a very satisfactory light upon an otherwise 
obscure passage, and is therefore valuable to the classical schoiar. 

6 'III.— Flinders thinks this word should be " hill" an eminence, but, in 
view of a preceding hypothesis (see note 5 supra), we should rather take it to 
mean " ill" — evil — (dr. To XdXOV) a severe reflection on the evil habit of 
loading guns while smoking ciga s. 

7 Lark. — Whether this is the name of a real bird, or whether the word 
" wing" which occurs in the same line, is entirely figurative, is a very doubt- 
ful question. Dr. Bargy supports the bird theory, and claims that it is the 
same bird as the phoenix or jacksnipe. On the use of the word " lark" in the 
sense of ''^frolic" see Lively " On Ancient American Amusements." 

8 Dew. — This is properly the subject of the sentence, the prose order of 
the words being: '" The bright dew is shaking the lark from Iter light 
■wing." That is, the heavy dews falling on the bird's wing, cause it to trem- 
ble in its flight. We must admit that the hyperbole is a little strained, par- 
ticularly if the bird theory (see vote 7 supra) be correct. Professor Damper, 
however, has shown that in former times dew always fell in the morning, and 
was much heavier than at present. 

9 Still. — The".?//?/" was an instrument used in the manufacture of 
whiskey, a beverage to the use of which the ancient Americans were very much 
addicted. The exclamation " what ! " indicates the surprise of the speaker 
at finding the "still" slumbering, — that is, unemployed, — the exigencies of 
of social life usually keeping the " still" going day and night. The person 
addressed in the song, viz. : " Kathleen Mavourneen" was probably a 
saloon keeper who made his own whiskey. Regarding the form of the ancient 
" still" but little is known, except that there were worms in it. That these 
were common earth-worms is hardly credible, although the celebrated Diet of 
Worms shows that even they were extensively eaten by our ancestors. Some- 
thing more like the vermicelli of the Italians was probably the worm of the 
" still." Professor Flinders here again makes an egregious blunder. He con- 
founds this word with the adverb " still" and makes it simply modify slum- 
bering, which again he refers to Kathleen Mavourneen, and reaches the 
climax of absurdity by attributing the feminine gender to the latter ! Think 
of a delicate female slumbering peacefully in the midst of diabolical explosions, 
such as are hinted at in the second line of this remarkable poem ! We are 
sorry that no more than this fragment remains to us, for we are sure that 
the context wouid utterly confute the ridiculous conjectures of men like 
Flinders. 



IL CIRIEGIO. 



IL CIRIEGIO. 135 



IL CIRIEGIO. 
An Italian Operetta. 

(This Operetta is given in English words, which have been carefully 
adapted to the beautiful Italian airs of the original, and it is hoped that as a 
translation it will be found correct. The story illustrates an incident of the 
pre Revolutionary period, with which our readers are possibly acquainted.) 



: 3 6 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



Dramatis Persons. 

Giorgio (Tenore). 

Il Signore (Basso Pro/undo). 

L'Amico Indiscreto della Famiglia (Baritono). 

Sambo (Soprano Primo). 

Coro Etiopo. 



IL CIRIEGIO. 137 



SCENA. 

The Garden of II Signore. A cherry tree in the center, 
covered with caramels, gum drops, kisses and other appropriate 
fruits. Chorus of juvenile Ethiopeans, with Sambo, arranged in 
semi-circle. Enter L'AMICO and Giorgio from opposite sides, 
meeting in front. 

L'Amico : (Aria Jan chi Ditdlo.) 
My clearest George, I can't forbear 

(While mournfully departing,) 
Donating you this slight affair — \P resents 

Hatc!ict.\ 

To keep your tears from starting. 

Coro Etiopo : O ! take the gift thy friend supplies, 
Nor let another snatch it. — 
No sweeter pledge could love devise 
Than this immortal hatchet. 



138 VAPID VAPORTNGS. 



L'A.mico : I hope when barking off a tree, 

Or splitting wood for kindling, 
Your heart will fondly turn to me, 
With fervor never dwindling. 
Coro Etiopo : O ! take the gift thy friend supplies, 
Nor let another snatch it, — 
No sweeter pledge could love devise 
Than this immortal hatchet. 

L'Amico : Accept my present, then, and though 
Unblest I am in leaving ; 
I still shall feel, where'er I go, 
That you to me are cleaving. 
Coro Etiopo : O ! take the gift thy friend supplies, 
Nor let another snatch it — 
No sweeter pledge could love devise 
Than this immortal hatchet. 

Giorgio : {Accepting the hatchet') — (Aria : // grida di 

Libert a?) 
I thank thee for the gift, friend. I'll use it with a will — 

Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom — 
And faithful to your memory you'll ever find me still — 

Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom. 



IL CIRIEGIO. 139 



Coro Et t opo : The Union for Ever, d'ye see, boys, 
d'ye see? 
Up with the hatchet and down with 

the tree, 
For lie thanks thee for the gift, friend. 

He'll use it with a will, — 
Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom. 

Giorgio : The touch of it inspires me ' I feel a mighty 
throb, — 
Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom. 
If history I should escape, 'twill be a put-up 
job, — 
Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom. 

Coro Etiopo : The Union for Ever, d'ye see, boys, 

d'ye see ? 
Up with the hatchet and down with 

the tree. 
For if history he should escape, 'twill 

be a put-up job, — 
Shouting the battle-cry of Freedom. 

Tne Tuvenile Ethiopeans join hands and circle round Gior- 
gio and L'Amico. Farewell embrace, and Exit L'Amico. 



140 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



Orchestra. // SSgno di Diavolo. 

Giorgio dances furiously, chopping at everything within 
reach, at first to the delight of the juvenile Ethiopeans. But 
when he finally barks off the cherry-tree, they express consterna- 
tion and apprehension by their gestures. Exit Giorgio. 

Cornet Solo : E Ultima Rom dell' Estate 

The juvenile Ethiopeans inarch sadly and solemnly around 
the tree. 

Enter II, Signore. 

Il Signore : (Aria: La Bandiera stellata.) 

O say ! can you see, by the dawn's early light, 

What so proudly I hailed in the twilight's last gleam- 
in <y • 

Whose green leaves and red fruit were so rich and so 
bright, 
Far more lovely than any I've seen in my dreaming ? 

So fresh and so fair — (Sees tree) What ! I vow and 
declare, 

A most horrible sight ! Why ! what rascal would dare 

To destroy my pet cherry ! [Catches Sambo by the ear) 
Was't you, you young slave ? 

Now, what do you mean thus my anger to brave ? 

(Chastises with nine). 



IL CIRIEGIO. MI 



Sambo : (Aria : Va, mosca!) 

No massa, 'twasn't me ! no massa, 'twasn't me ! 

No, massa, 'twasn't me ! for I nebber whittled dat ar 

tree. 
I feel — I feel — I feel— I feel so awful sore, 
I won't — I won't — I won't — I won't do so no more 
No, massa, 'twasn't me. [Repeat ad nauseam.) 

Il SlGNORE marks time on Sambo's back during this song. 

Enter Giorgio. 

Giorgio : (Aria : La Gemma dell' Oceano.) 

O, father, suspend your emotion, 

Or let it be turned upon me ; 
Though I'm sure that I hadn't a notion 

You set so much store by that tree. 
But although I am going to catch it, 

I cannot deny what is true ; 
I did it with my little hatchet, 

Hurrah for the Red, White and Blue ! 



142 VAPID VAPORINGS. 



Coro Etiopo : (Parading with flags, which they 
produce from under their jackets. 

Yes : although he's a gwine for to catch it, 

He cannot deny what is true ; 
He did it with his little hatchet, 

Hurrah for the Red, White and Blue ! 

Tableau. Giorgio receives his father's blessing. 

Orchestra: Le Guardie dei Mu'ligani. 

DISPLAY OF Fyrotechny. 

Curtaim. 



